Monday, 11 April 2011

Top 10 Scary Doctor Who Monsters

Doctor Who. It’s one of the most famous television series ever to grace the British airwaves, having started in 1963, and still going strong forty nine years later (okay, there was a slight sixteen year pause from 1989 to 2005 but hey ho). If you don’t watch it (why the hell are you not?), it’s all about a man from outer space who travels in a telephone box which is actually a time machine. And he fights monsters. A lot.
A lot of these monsters are cool. A lot of these monsters are funny. But some… some are scary. And as we’re just weeks away from the new series airing on BBC One, again helmed by the master of fear himself, Steven Moffat, I’m taking a quick look back at the old series and counting down what I think are the ten most scariest monsters the Doctor has faced in his travels.

10. Clockwork Droids
Starting off my countdown is the Clockwork Droids from David Tennant’s first series. They were robots working for a ship sometime in the future. When the ship started to fail, their method of repair was to kill all the crewmembers and replace all broken machinery with body parts. One of the cameras was a human eye. And they were also monotone at all times, even when explaining the fate of all the crewmembers to the Doctor. Pretty creepy!

9. Daleks
Of course the most infamous of creatures in the Who-verse were going to come into this list. But I’m still placing them pretty low, as they’re regarding as cool rather than scary now. But think – if you met a little alien in big armour who’s only instinct is to kill all living things that aren’t exactly like itself, and had the means to kill you a thousand times over, what you do? I’d piss my pants. Well, I’d try, but I’d probably get exterminated halfway through…

8. Cybermen
 Another of the Doctor’s famous enemies, and to me, more chilling than the Daleks. They represent the human desire to constantly upgrade technology – they’re the ultimate upgrade. A human brain in a machine that feels no emotion whatsoever. The scary part isn’t that they don’t feel any emotion whatsoever, it’s that they used to.

7. Gelth
Evil ghost-like spirits that possess human corpses, turning them a sickly blue-ish tint and shrieking chilling cries. Need any more be said?

6. The Midnight Monster
Don’t be fooled by this picture, the Midnight Monster isn’t a woman. It was… well, no-one knows what it was. It was never seen. Ever. It merely destroyed half a bus, banged against the walls and possessed a poor woman called Sky (pictured). It then went onto repeating everything everyone said, like a small child. And THEN went on to synchronising with everyone’s speech. Imagine being trapped on a broken bus with that!

5. The Beast
Is it Satan? Is it an alien from another dimension? Or is it just a very big, very angry… thing? The Beast appeared towards the end of Tennant’s first series, and was perhaps the most chilling thing to grace that particular series. It lived (or was imprisoned, as I recall) in the centre of a planet that was apparently circling a black hole. It possessed a whole race of creatures and turned them into mindless killing machines. For what purpose? None, other than pleasure. And the worst thing was, even the Doctor couldn’t explain what it was.

4. Gas Mask People
“Are you my mummy?” I admit I don’t find that phrase scary any more, mainly due to my dad saying it whenever I ring him, but back in 2005 when The Empty Child first aired, they were terrifying. A little kid with a gas mask permanently stuck to his face, asking for his mother, was scary enough. But the fact that it could infect other people, even making an old man chant “Are you my mummy?” moved this monster into nightmare territory.

3. The Master
Some people might be wondering why I’ve put John Simm’s portrayal of the Doctor’s oldest rival on this list. He was funny, right? Yes, I won’t argue with that, he was indeed hilarious. But think about all that he did. I’ll list a brief overview of his many acts:
1. Killed an innocent lab technician who just so happened to be the last of her species. For no reason at all.
2. Built a phone network to hypnotise the human race.
3. Ordered his cronies to kill a journalist when she questioned who he really was. And during the murder, which involved very sharp blades, he and his wife would constantly open and close the door to have a peek.
4. Murdered the American President and wiped out 600 million people in less than two minutes. While laughing.
5. Kept Captain Jack chained up in a basement for a year and tortured him. Remember that Jack keeps reviving every time he dies? Now, imagine how many ways you can kill a man. And throw a psychopath into the mix. Sleep tight, kids!
6. The Master burned Japan and made his servants watch. Again, for no reason whatsoever.
7. Aged the Doctor into a very old man and kept him in a small tent. Hell, even the bowl the Doctor was made to eat out of said ‘DOG’.
8. Oh, and he eats people. Yes, you read that right.
Like with the Daleks, what would you do if you met this man in real life, hmm?

2. Vashta Nerada
Just missing out on the top spot are the Vashta Nerada. They’re microscopic piranha like beings that live in the darkness.  On their own they’re completely harmless, but in packs of thousands, they’re deadly – they literally strip a living creature to its bones, within seconds. And once you’ve been infested by the little critters, there is literally nothing that can be done. So if you’ve got two shadows… wave goodbye to life, friend! Oh, and to top it off, they can possess the body to move very awkwardly, kind of like a zombie, while repeating the last line ever said by their victim (“Hey! Who turned out the lights?”).
And now, for the number one scariest Doctor Who monster…

1. The Slitheen
That’s right. Nothing scares me more than these repugnant monsters. They’re big, they’re green, and they fart a lot. They come from a planet with a nigh incomprehensible name. They kill fat people and steal their skin. They’ve tried at least twice to blow up the Earth and sell it for scrap. And every time they talk, I want to offer them a lemsip.


Okay, obviously I’m joking. The real number one scary monsters are…

1. The Weeping Angels
So… statues are the scariest things in Doctor Who, to me. That’s because they’re a statue… when you see it. The Weeping Angels can only move when you’re not looking at them. And when you’re not… boy are they fast! Even when you blink, in that split-millisecond, they can kill you. They started off only sending their victims back in time, or, as the Doctor put it, “the only psychopaths in the universe to kill you nicely”. And then, as time went on, so did the angels, and they abandoned displacing people in time in favour of snapping people’s necks and ripping said victim’s vocal chords out to impersonate their voice.
So, in short, if you’re not looking at them, they’ll sneak up behind you faster than you can say “Whoa!” and snap your neck, and (here’s the worst part) if you are looking at them, they’ll jump into your eyes and you’ll become one of them. Oh, and they can never, ever die.
Sweet dreams!

Josh Harris